


The Princess and the Cannibal: a love story in three parts

by flagrantialuna



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-12
Updated: 2011-02-12
Packaged: 2017-10-15 14:49:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/161897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flagrantialuna/pseuds/flagrantialuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Steve is a princess, and Danny would like to eat him.<br/>(It's not crack... I promise.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Princess and the Cannibal: a love story in three parts

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to [ponderosa](http://ponderosa.dreamwidth.org) the Magnificent for betaing. Inspired by "Fairytale" prompt.

**1**

"What the fuck are you? A goddamn cannibal?" Steve lifts his hand up to prod at the bruise blossoming across his collarbone. "It hurts more than the bruise from the bullet."

Danny snorts and rolls his eyes. "Sorry. I should have realized that you'd wanna be treated like a delicate flower, princess."

" _Anyway_ , I'm pretty certain cannibalism is illegal," Steve continues as if he hasn't heard Danny.

"And now you're threatening to arrest me. Really, McGarrett, everyone knows the _real_ reason you want me in handcuffs.

"Yes." Steve winces as he pokes a particularly sensitive part of the bruise. "They know I want you in handcuffs because you're a menace to society. You cannibals can't be allowed to just go and eat people whenever you like."

"Ah, but then I have a conundrum for you." Danny turns on his side to look at Steve.

"Conundrum?" Steve asks incredulously. "Did you seriously just use the word 'conundrum'?"

"Yes, conundrum. Do you want to know what it is, or do you want to pick at my word choice?"

"Okay. Your _conundrum_ , what is it?"

Danny reaches over and removes Steve's hand from the bruise before rolling on top of him.

"What if--"

Danny interrupts himself by peppering light kisses against the blue-black section of skin.

"--the receiving party--"

The kisses turn firm. A flush spreads down Steve's body as he begins to squirm against Danny.

"--appears to enjoy it?"

Danny bites down firmly, and Steve releases a long, low moan. Steve lets his head fall back to give Danny more room. He clenches his fists into the sheets, hips thrusting up as he pants for more. Danny grinds down while Steve lets out a noise that definitely cannot be classified as a whimper.

Abruptly, Danny rolls off of him and lands on his back. Steve is left dazed, staring at the empty space above him.

"Well?" Danny asks once Steve’s breathing returns to something resembling normal.

Steve shoots him a glare that clearly says, 'Well, what? Get the fuck back here!'

"Issues concerning cannibalism?" Danny draws out.

Steve smiles as he reaches out a hand to cup Danny's cheek.

He leans in close and whispers, "I think I'll refrain from pressing charges."

 

 **2**

After two weeks leave, Steve and Danny walk back into HQ. Chin and Kono exchange a look between them. Chin sighs before reaching into his wallet to get out a twenty. He places the money in Kono's waiting hand, and says, "Jesus, McGarrett, you couldn't have left it in your pants for one more week?"

"As I recall, _I_ did not remove anything from my pants," Steve recovers smoothly. "Someone else took the decision out of my hands."

Kono looks at Danny in surprise. “No way,” she says, eyes narrowing in suspicion. “You wouldn’t.”

“Actually, I think I’m in the perfect position to tell you he already did,” Steve informs her.

Chin’s face changes from annoyed to triumphant as he snatches the twenty back from Kono. “Hah! Told you so!”

"Yes, it's true. I defiled Princess Steve's virtue." Danny rolls his eyes. "Can we get to work now?"

Danny walks over to the main table, sits down, and begins looking through some neglected paperwork.

Realizing she will get no more information from Danny, Kono turns to Steve. She’s wearing the same expression that she has when she’s interrogating a witness: the ‘tell-me-what-I-want-to-know-or-I-will-injure-you-with-my-newly-acquired-ninja-fu-skills’ look.

"Well?" she demands.

Steve opens his mouth.

Danny glares at him.

Steve shuts his mouth.

Steve walks away from the group and heads into his office in order to avoid getting himself into trouble. Kono watches his retreat, tremendously disappointed.

"You know, I actually think I may have heard the story of Princess Steve before," Chin muses loudly enough that his voice carries through the open doors of Steve's office. "I think I might know a version of it." He winks at his cousin.

Danny tears off the front page of the report he’s reading and throws it at Chin.

Kono expression turns gleeful at Danny’s reaction. She grins wickedly before putting on an innocent face. "Really?!"

"Yeah," Chin draws out, tapping a finger against his chin. "I remember some of it, although I might be fuzzy on the details."

"Shit," Danny mutters.

Chin and Kono grin at each other before getting back into character.

"Tell me, cuz," she begs, eyes wide. "Please?"

"Oh, all right," Chin agrees. "But only if you promise to not to tell your parents that I let you stay up late for an extra bedtime story."

"You guys are such assholes," Danny tells them. "I have no idea why I ever thought we were friends."

Kono ignores him as she plops down on the floor and pulls her knees up to her chest.

"So?" Kono prods.

"Once upon a time," Chin starts, "there was a lovely princess named Steve."

"Was the princess the fairest in all the land?" Steve can't resist calling from his office.

Danny lifts his head to shoot a dirty look at Steve. He performs a series of gestures detailing various possible ways Steve will die at Danny’s hand. Once Danny is sure that Steve has received his message, he returns to flipping through the papers on his desk.

"He most certainly was," Chin confirms, struggling to contain laughter. "But, unfortunately, the princess had some other problems."

"Like what?" Kono gasps.

"He was... sexually frustrated," Chin says in a loud whisper.

"Hey!" Steve protests this sudden turn of events.

"I know!" Chin raises a placating hand. "It's a horrible condition, but it's true."

"What did Princess Steve do?" Kono rests her chin on her knees.

"Princess Steve did a lot of stupid shit, like going into a hostile situation without backup and confronting a known dangerous drug dealer in the middle of the night and getting himself shot," Danny contributes, still glancing through papers. He chooses one, picking up his red pen to annotate a report with angry bold slashes.

"Hey!" Steve objects again. He gives up all pretenses of working and heads back into the main office. He leans against a wall and crosses his arms. "I wasn't that bad."

Danny grips the pen so tightly his knuckles turn white. The cheap plastic creaks loudly in the silent room. He looks up again and gives Steve a stern look of such solemnity that Steve feels as though he has been pinned to the spot. Steve’s arms fall to his sides.

When Danny speaks, his voice is a false quiet veneer over something Steve either can’t or won’t identify. "Steve worried his friends and his family, who all thought that any given night they were going to get a phone call that Steve had finally gotten himself killed because of his recklessness.

"So, yes, Steve did stupid shit. He was just lucky that he decided to wear a bullet proof vest that night, and the man who pulled the trigger had tremendously shit aim."

The pen in Danny’s hand trembles. Danny drops it and clasps his hands together. It doesn’t stop the shaking. He rests his forehead on his laced fingers. Steve takes a step toward him, but Danny cuts him off with an abrupt jerk of his head.

With no clear way to break the silence, Danny finally says the first thing he can think of to get the others talking again. "So, Chin, what happened next?"

Steve, still in shock at the outburst, continues to stare at Danny.

"Well..." Chin is slow to start. "Princess Steve was sexually frustrated and was doing some dangerous things, so his parents decided it was time to start looking for a suitor, so Princess Steve could get married.

"Suitors came from every corner of the world, but Princess Steve rejected them all, and it was at this point that Danny came along." As Chin regains his confidence, Danny’s hands part and fall to his desk.

"Arriving on his shining steed, Camaro, Danny was a--"

"Cannibal!" Steve supplies, his focus still entirely on Danny.

Danny's head jerks back up to return the stare.

Both Kono and Chin turn to Danny.

"Cannibal?!" Kono's face is the picture of incredulity. "Seriously?"

Danny smiles a fraction before burying his face into his paperwork pillow, his cheeks turning a lovely shade of lobster. "No, not seriously," he mumbles. "That would be very illegal.” Danny peeks back up briefly even as his cheeks burn. “But,” he says with a grin, “I guess since I convinced a certain princess not to press charges that legality doesn’t really matter."

Chin lets out a peal of laughter. "So Danny was a cannibal," he continues the story, "and apparently Princess Steve was all too happy to let this suitor eat him. Thus, Princess Steve stopped getting into trouble because he was finally getting laid."

Chin looks at Kono and nods. "You know how it ends," he prompts. "Just like all other fairy tales."

"They all lived happily ever after! The end!" Kono proclaims, and, for a moment, peace reigns in a fairytale kingdom.

The spell breaks.

Kono lifts a hand demandingly in Chin’s direction. Chin grabs her extended hand and rolls his eyes as he helps pull her up. She twists around to brush off her backside.

Danny stands up and stretches, his gaze wandering over the people in the room. Steve sends him a pleading look that asks, 'Can we please talk later?' but Danny ignores him in favor of glancing at Kono. "As much fun as that was, I think I'm going to clock out early today. See you tomorrow, Kono."

Danny turns to Chin. He smiles slightly as he says, "If you ever offer to tell my little girl a fairy tale, I will kick your ass."

Danny scoops his keys from his desk and walks out the door.

 

 **3**

Steve enters the kitchen that morning and wonders if he is hallucinating. He blinks, his blood rushing all too quickly away from his brain.

Danny stands in front of the stove, naked, save for a pink frilly apron.

Steve walks up behind him and places his hands on Danny's hips, pressing up against Danny's back. "I thought that the princess apron was supposed to be your cheesy monthiversary gift to _me_."

"The present is getting to see me wear it with nothing else," Danny mutters distractedly as he tries to flip a pancake. "Surprise!"

"So," Steve says slowly, "if you're playing princess..."

He leans down to nibble at Danny's shoulder.

"...does that mean I get to be the cannibal?"

Danny sighs and relaxes in Steve's arms. Steve begins rubbing little circles with his thumbs into Danny’s hips, skimming his lips up Danny’s neck to softly brush behind his ear. Danny allows his head to tip to the side.

Then he whips around and swats Steve away with the spatula.

"Rule 4!" Danny exclaims, trying to appear suitably angry. "No sexy interruptions while the oven is on. It comes right before Rule 'If-you-wake-me-up-before-the-sun-rises-you-better-damn-well-have-a-cup-of-coffee-waiting' and right after Rule 'No-seriously-bring-back-up-next-time-or-I-will-fucking-kill-you-myself.' We've almost burned the house down eight times."

"But--" Steve raises his hands and inches closer.

"Ah!" Danny raises the spatula and inches away.

Steve looks petulant but lowers his arms.

Steve’s extended lower lip manages to soften Danny’s resolve. Danny leans forward to place a light kiss on the pout. "Later," he promises.

Steve sways forward to capture Danny's lips again.

Danny has no idea how much time passes, but the next thought he actively registers concerns the smell of something burning.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" Danny runs back over to the stove. He flips the blackened pancakes onto a plate and opens a window so he can waft out some of the smoke before the fire alarm goes off.

As soon as he has made sure that nothing will be catching fire, he turns around to glare at Steve, who is sitting calmly at the table.

"You fucker," Danny growls.

Steve suppresses a smile. He most definitely doesn't say anything about how Danny kissed him first.

"Don't look so smug." Danny takes the plate and slams it down in front of Steve. "You're eating those while I make nice, distraction-free ones for me." Danny turns back to the stove, scooping more batter into the pan.

Steve gets up to retrieve the syrup. He flips open the cap and turns the bottle upside-down for an extended period of time, drowning his pancakes in sweet, sticky goodness. He saws off a piece of the pancake with the side of his fork, stabs it, and shoves it in his mouth.

"How's breakfast, princess?" Danny asks sweetly.

Steve is not paying any attention to the pancakes.

"Delicious," he lies cheerfully.

Steve is too busy staring at Danny's naked ass.

"Really?" Danny is skeptical. “You’re telling me that you think a plate of ashes and sugar is delicious when you complain if your steak is cooked even slightly past bloody?”

Steve can almost see the bite mark he's going to put on the left cheek, just below the set of freckles in the shape of the big dipper.

"Really," he confirms.


End file.
